Incorporation of Tailors in Glasgow

14^th November 2008

 

Mr Deacon, Deacon Convener, Collector of the house, Distinguished Guests, Members of the Incorporation of Tailors, Ladies and Gentlemen.

When the Deacon and his wife were married ten years ago the Minister said at the reception, “I’m in two minds about speaking today – it’s a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother – you know it’s a great honour but it’s not something you particularly want to do”.

I have a similar feeling this evening. I am well aware of the tremendous privilege in being invited to propose the toast to this venerable institution. But I have a dark secret that I fear almost proscribes me from the job – I’m from the East coast.

Dundee born and bred, and Black Isle for the last 20 years. But all Scots - even those from outwith Glasgow – share an affinity with and affection for the city. It’s one of the world’s great cities and it has tremendous qualities that are irresistible and infectious.

 

Friendliness is one of them. It was a delight to be in the company of the Deacon’s brother during dinner, and also his wife – she brought me up to speed with the legal and police goings-on in the city.

 

She told me of the kindly lawyer – not an easy concept in itself – who called his client and said, “I’ve got good news and bad news” – “What’s the bad news?” – “The blood they found at the murder had been conclusively proven as yours, no shadow of doubt” – “And the good news?” – “Well, your cholesterol level is very low.”

 

Blythe told me police recently arrested two kids at Bonfire night, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

Another great quality about Glasgow is the sense of humour – it’s inescapable and recognised universally. Growing up in the 60s and 70s I used to get my Glasgow humour panto-style from the likes of Stanley Baxter:

 

“I went to that new café doon the road, what’s it called, ach, what’s the name o that red flower with thorns – Rose? – aye, Rose, whit’s the name o that new café?”

 

“I went to the doctors, I said 'I've hurt my arm in several places', he says, 'well don't go to those places'. I said I’ve got a strawberry growing out of my head – he said, I’ll put some cream on it.”

 

Then there were the great wee one-liners from Lex MacLean and Walter Carr:

“Two television aerials got married. The wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!”

“Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' “

 

And I loved the surreal humour of Chic Murray:

“I rang up a building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' “

“Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. “

 

And there were traces of his kind of absurd take on things in the 80s when alternative comics like Arnold Brown used made their real-life observations:

“Why is it when you open a can of evaporated milk it's still full?”

“Why is there an "s" in "lisp"?”

“Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?”

 

The spirit and humour of Glasgow is irrepressible and I’m sorry my wife can’t be here tonight to enjoy it. We got married a few months after Blythe and Tom – ours is a mixed marriage, she’s an Irish Catholic – so we have to make compromises. I wanted no children she wanted four, so we compromised, with four. My wife can’t be here this evening, but I’m reminded of Rikki Fulton’s philosophy: “If a man says something in the woods, and his wife isn’t around to hear it... is he still wrong? “

I used to tease Blythe about her reluctance to leave the city, reminding her she wouldn’t necessarily get a nosebleed if she travelled north of Cumbernauld.

But it was indicative of another great Glaswegian quality - an astonishing civic pride and loyalty to the city that you just don’t find elsewhere where we tend to be quite self-deprecating. The Invernessian’s acronym for Inverness is: It’s Never Very Exciting Right Enough Not Even Saturday Sunday. And for Nairn – Nothing At all Interesting Round Nairn.

You can’t imagine a Glaswegian putting his city down like that – it’d be: Great, Lovely, Awesome, Smashing, Gallous, Orrabest, Wee man.

That quality of civic pride is one of the reasons I’m delighted to be speaking before Liz Cameron this evening as she is an impossible act to follow. Not only a great speaker but a formidable ambassador for Glasgow – I’ve seen her in action in the city, elsewhere in Scotland, and abroad, and there is no prouder or better advocate for this city. You’re very lucky.

Those of us outwith the city look with a mixture of envy and respect at that civic confidence. It represents the type of enterprise for which the city is famous and which gave rise to this remarkable institution of the Trades House over 400 years ago – a testimony both to the community of the city and to its industry.

Sir Ian Wood made an astonishing act of generosity this week when he gave £50m to his home city of Aberdeen to help create a civic square. I’m pretty sure that the first call he took after the announcement was from a Glaswegian reminding him he had a great granny from Partick, and that maybe just a wee playpark, just a couple of million… It’s that quality of opportunism and enterprise that again is synonymous with Glasgow.

For me it was summed up perfectly at the end of the Olympics. When Chris Hoy won his third gold Glasgow immediately announced they would be building a new velodrome and naming it after him. A day or two later his hometown of Edinburgh announced they would be closing down their velodrome, or maybe they wouldn’t, anyway we’ll think about it, and it wisnae me it wis him.

Which also summed up the difference between the two cities. Edinburgh’s transport solution for the 21^st century is something that Glasgow has had in a museum for 40 years – the tram.

A quick word about the raffle this evening – thanks for all the gifts – Partick Thistle Football Club have given a football signed by all the players, and a golf ball signed by all the fans.

To our hosts this evening - the birth of the incorporations came from a general desire throughout medieval Europe to get rid of feudal control and to establish municipal rights in towns and large communities – a desire that led to the creation of Guilds – the word itself deriving from both Welsh and Dutch for feast and holiday, a time to gather together as a family.

For me though, even as an outsider, the Incorporation is not a part of Glasgow’s heritage, because that implies something that is no longer active, something to be commemorated. But the Trades remain a vital part of Glasgow and Scotland’s life, and are there to be celebrated. Today in 2008, 481 years after its formation the Incorporation of Tailors continues to remain involved in charitable and educational projects throughout Glasgow.

A mere 403 years ago when it joined with other Incorporations to form the Trades House it began, and continues, to be involved in the disbursement of substantial funds to assist good causes in and around the city.

It’s worth putting just a brief historical context on the Incorporation. When it was founded James 5^th was on the throne and Pat Lally was on his first term on the Council. Columbus has recently made his first Atlantic crossing and Martin Luther had just begun his attacks on the Catholic Church, backed up by free legal advice from Donald Findlay. It’s thirty years before Elizabeth 1^st takes the throne, Michelangelo is in his prime, and Andy Cameron’s first joke is born.

This is an institution that reeks of history and that has played its part in shaping a remarkable city – it has contributed its craft and its philanthropy and is an institution worthy of respect and pride. It embodies and reflects those qualities that make Glasgow so special – friendliness, enterprise, and civic pride.

I think you’re fortunate to have a Deacon who combines generosity, humour and selflessness, with such an… individual… dress sense. Still, if you can’t dress like that with the Tailors when can you?

Deacon, ladies and gentlemen - it is my genuine great pleasure to invite you to be upstanding as we toast our respected hosts this evening, the Incorporation of Tailors in Glasgow.

 

 

Bryan Beattie

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